Collection of Unconnected Matter

It's funny when you rethink all the situations and emotions one has experienced in a certain period of time. Yes, I know this sounds very vague, but looking back on these last couple months since my return from my trip, a rollercoaster of adventures and feelings and moments of 'stuckness', I wonder if I've learned anything at all. I wonder if, through each situation and thought process, I am learning and improving myself and improving the lives of others.

A cycle of convoluted thoughts pepper this blog, a 'collection of unconnected matter' and I oft wonder - where does that leave me? Where exactly am I going? Am I the person I would like myself to be? Are any of us? A friend recently told me that through a late night conversation he "saw a real sad side of me", a facet of me that I usually conceal not to frighten others, not to frighten myself. But I think we all have this sad side of ourselves, and choosing to expose it depends on us. It's funny, because that particularly night ended the 'sadness' I had been experiencing since I came down with glandular fever.

Glandular fever produces various side affects in people - exhaustion, restlessness, lack of concentration, aching muscles, sore glands, temperature, and depression.
What I thought was the annual April apathy and madness I sometimes descend into (and posted about previously) was (I think) encouraged/produced by my glandular fever. I lacked motivation, I lacked enthusiasm, I lacked the passion I so often seek and express. A cycle I worked hard on to break, to smash up all the negative thoughts and consequent anti-social actions - which, I might proudly add, I overcame with success. But that Friday night when my friend saw that 'sad side' of me was the slow ending of this melancholy. I had finally thought myself out of the bad, the sad, the madness that had enveloped me for a while. Too long a while. But starting afresh is always renewing. And I've come to realise that it's upon ourselves to make that change. Others can help us see the way, or make us feel even more bitter, but we have to work on the rotten from the inside out. Once the clutter is arranged in some order, some progress is made.

To really take control of your life, that's one of the hardest things to do. To be happy and satisfied with your every action, your destination, your journey to that destination - I think that's one my biggest wishes for my life. A big birthday wish. A lifetime wish, a lifetime workshop - for nobody really wants to achieve perfection, otherwise there's no room for improvement.

To disconnect from life - I think that's one of my biggest fears. I may live to be average, to finally grow up and not realise my 'potential', I may remain single for the rest of my life, but I don't feel as frightened from those 'fears'. To disconnect from life - to not care, to stop thinking, to feel like a transparent blob hovering through the everydayness of life - no thanks. Nisht for Sarah.